If blaming me makes you feel better... go for it.

Everyone fucks up every now and then, right? Then why is it, that some people can make mistakes and expect forgiveness and understanding, while others don't receive the same opportunity?? Yeah, I've fucked up. Maybe more, maybe less than others... doesn't fucking matter. It's pointless. The point being, is that when you hit rock bottom (regardless of whether you did it to yourself or not) it often feels like there's not a single soul around to help you out of it.

I felt like I did the right thing. And quite frankly, I'm pissed off myself. As of late (I dunno, the past couple years or so), it feels as if liars, cheaters, and theives, their words are taken more seriously and taken to heart moreso than mine. Yes, I just got done saying it... I HAVE MADE MISTAKES. EVERYONE HAS AND DOES. To say that I don't keep my word... I do my damnest to keep my word -- as much as I'd like to always do as I say... I cannot. No one can. How many times have others given me THEIR "word", only to turn around and change it up... usually cuz of a guy.

NO ONE IS PERFECT.

I'm not minimizing anything... I'm not trying to throw a pity party -- but I am trying to get a few people to see shyt from MY point of view once in awhile... They wanna tell me "Put yourself in my shoes", "Listen to what I'M trying to say", etc., etc., etc. When is it MY turn? When are some of these people gonna try to see things from MY perspective. Yeah, I got it. Some people got a raw fucking deal... some brought it on themselves... and some just happened to have shitty luck.

There have been a couple people who are pulling this right now. I'M ONLY FUCKING HUMAN, GODDAMMIT!

In the past... I dunno... let's say for shits and giggles, for the past, I dunno, 6 months... anytime and EVERYTIME these people have asked me to be there for them... I was there. I sat with them, cried with them, talked with them, listened to them... been there when NO ONE else was. But apparently that doesn't mean a thing.

I caught someone in a lie, and then preceeded to inform the other party about said lie... and it somehow got turned around on me, saying I was manipulative and sneaky and a liar. And here's what REALLY gets me: if this would've happened and I DIDN'T say anything, I would've been labeled a horrible friend for NOT telling her. I'm not a saint. Never claimed to be.

And here's another thing that gets to me: When I was in rehab... fighting for my life (YES, FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE), the only 2 people I saw were my mom and my dad. Not ONE person called or came to visit. I understand that I treated some people not so great -- in order to get healthy... to STAY clean, it takes a little something called "moral support". I've tried as hard as I could to make amends... to get on the right path to fixing relationships... and even though I may not have deserved a whole lot -- if my best friends were in that position, I would want to be there to help them stay better. Only the sick can help themselves GET better... but it requires friends and family and love and understanding to help them STAY better.

And yes, I have friends who have mental disorders, friends with addictions, friends who make shitty choices.......... but they're my friends, therefore I try to put aside whatever beef we had, and help them; why? Cuz I care about them. Sure, forgiveness and understanding can take awhile. But I digress...

I just don't understand how I don't "keep my word". Shit happens. There are times I've made plans to do this or that with friends or family, and guess what? Things come up. I do everything in my power to do what I say I'm gonna do -- I guess I'm just sick and tired of always being the bad guy. I was the bad guy when I told him NOT to move in with psycho bitch cuz she was a cheater and a liar and would break your heart and empty your bank account. I was the bad guy when I told her I thought it was a bad idea to marry him cuz he'd cheated before and would again; then the bad guy when I told her about what he was saying behind her back, just trying to WATCH OUT for her... and turned out being the bad guy and labeled "devious", "mistrusting", and having alterior motives.

If your best friends or family were making decisions that you thought were headed for disaster... wouldn't you speak up?? Understandably, sometimes they just have to learn on their own........ I've learned all of that on my own, but ya know... I had a friend step in and say "this is a bad idea"; cuz she was watching out for me. But when I do it... I'm meddling and getting into things that aren't my business. I see a cycle that's getting ready to repeat itself... and I gotta keep my goddamn mouth shut or I lose my friend.

So what now??? They can speak their mind and tell you what a mistake you're making; and saying how you're gonna regret this or that -- but the minute they step into the same pile of shit, you're supposed to keep your mouth shut?? How the fuck can I do that? Who wants to see their best friend hurt??? I sure as hell don't....... but it seems as though I don't have that best friend anymore. Any of 'em. And I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when it's gift wrapped in something else... when all parties involved know that it was because something was said that they didn't wanna hear.

Sure, I'm not always the most reliable. I DO have things in my life to take care of from time to time... and it's not always my fault that I can't make it to whatever it was that was planned. Contrary to how much I'd love it... I DO NOT control the world or the goings-on in it.

So what do I do now??? I don't really see how I should apologize to these few people when I did what I thought was best -- when I did what THEY'VE done in the past when it came to me. So it's okay for them to speak their mind and their feelings, but I gotta keep my untrustworthy, asshole of a mouth shut??

Fine. Done. I had to rant, though. But guess what? My blog. I'm sorry that some of you feel the way you feel... and I'll shut my fucking mouth from now on -- but when shit goes downhill, I'm sure you all will remember my phone number. AND I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU... ALL OF YOU. CUZ I DON'T GIVE UP ON MY FRIENDS. (Don't take that all defensive and personal-like... I'm just being honest).

I'll only live til I die...

...we take our own chances, and pay our own dues...

So it's spring, and it's definitely time for a change. Like the seasons; changes from winter to spring... that's what's happening in my life right now. Me and Jenikins have been talking, and we've both decided it's time to make that change. We've had our thoughts, our dreams... we've had hopes and disappointments -- and I can only speak so much for her, but we've both come to the conclusion that we're sick and tired of being sick and tired. She doesn't have to go to school for 8+ years to become a doctor to help people... just like I don't have to go to film or photography school to make my films or take pictures.

Hollywood -- here we come. Of course, this will take time... but I was glad to recieve a text message from her earlier talking about getting outta Kansas City and heading for the City of Angels. And my hopes: the City of Angels and change.

Before I've wanted to move to get the fuck away from my problems... and even though I know and KNEW that you can't just move to get away from your problems; you've gotta face them head on and take care of what needs taking care of... and it is THEN that you can get the hell outta dodge. But it's finally sunk in -- take care of the bullshit that I've wanted so long to run from, and THEN pack up and head for the west coast for a fresh start... a fresh start instead of the same shit on my ass only with different scenery.

Hopefully, this time next year, me and my best friend will be in Hollywood, and we'll have begun working on a fresh start... a new life... a better life. We have sooo many more options out there.

That's all I care to share at this moment. I'm excited, though. I can't wait to work through all the crap that's weighed me down for so long, and get out to L.A. where I've wanted to be for sooooooo long.

That is all for now. Come back by later.

dot dot dot

Nothing very exciting today -- wish Michelle would find her phone. It sucks when you just start talking to someone, and you're wanting to talk and just kinda get to know one another... and they can't find they're phone. I'm kinda irked about that (not at her, obviously), just at the incident in general.

Went by Jenikins for a bit -- she seems to be in better spirits today. I guess we're still on for Friday... if she can get ahold of Dusty, looks like I'm gonna drive (consider I'm the one with the working driver's licence as of not) and Jenikins is gonna ride shotgun, for 2 reasons: the first being, she knows where Dusty lives right off hand, and while I could get directions, it will hopefully make things quicker. The second reason being, it'll be a lil miniature roadtrip... wOOt! Then, it's to Denny's for coffee -- so for those of you wanting to go to Denny's on Friday, feel free to join -- unless we don't like you -- and there aren't many of you of whom we don't like; so chances are, you're free and clear. Heh.

So other than that, not much else to report. Gonna help Mim with dinner here soon... sounds like we're gonna have a decent dinner... been awhile. Oooh! With exception to my Mim's meatloaf she made last week, THAT was nummy... she makes very nummy meatloaf.

And on that note: off I go at last!

Hello to goodbye -- for now...?

So, most of my friends know me -- they know that I don't typically do the "online dating" stuff... I'm not one to get on a dating site or a personals page, so on and so forth; but Annie has been lonely. I hate being lonely. It's been awhile since I've been with someone and actually felt good about the relationship... actually felt like it would "stick". First, there was Kate -- don't get me wrong, Kate's awesome; she's everything a girl could want, and everything that I am not, but she liked me anyway. She was beautiful, sweet, former KCMO cop, lawyer, brilliant, street smart (even though she comes from money and status, etc. etc. etc. in which case, most of those "types" aren't very 'street smart') -- but that's just it......... even though she's essentially the "perfect" girl, she DOES come from money and status n such. One of her daddy's best friends is the govenor of Missouri; one of her mommy's best friends is basically cut from the same cloth. They have money, power, and rub elbows with not only Missouri's, but the country's elite. Sure, we could, and DID, have a good, if not great relationship, but we all know that that life and style is definitely NOT me. It may be good or even great for awhile -- but eventually the 'Dotte in me will win out over trying to be something I'm not. And here's the thing: Kate loved the 'Dotte in me... she loved the person that I am and not the person her parents would prolly prefer me to be, and yeah, her parents (surprisingly) liked me... but I'll never be more than of low to middle class standard... at least in their eyes. Kate, I'm sure, could see past it... if not forever, for awhile. But in my eyes, I don't see why sticking around in that situation would be beneficial in the future. It will eventually, and I'm absolutely certain of this, end; and as odd as this sounds, it would prolly end by me. I know that I cannot be someone I'm not, and I would never DREAM of asking her to be someone she's not. But I digress and am moving on........



Then along came Bonnie: a barista at Starbucks, and a damn good one at that. And she was basically of the same caliber as Kate (minus the money and status) -- but as far as beauty and smarts and sense of humor go... they hit the same mark. BUT, there were actually several things that prevented a successful relationship with her; one of them being she reminded me alot, and I mean ALOT, of Stephanie (you know, ex-wife of Tulsa, OK/met at Stephens College-Steph). Secondly, she showed signs of being an alcoholic -- she LOVED to go to clubs and bars and would tell me war stories of how much of a good time she had with best friend: Gin (of the liquor kind). And cuz she worked at Starbucks and was in school, she didn't exactly have a boatload of money -- so when she went out to the clubs and bars, drinks were "too expensive" so she would sneak in her own 5th of Gin and would sneak off to the bathroom every now and again and take a few good swigs and rejoin her group. I'm a recovering addict, so I have NO ROOM to judge; and I didn't judge... what she does is what she does and I have no say, and I WANT NO SAY in what she drinks or how much, so on and so forth. But that's just it, I AM a recovering drug addict. No, I'm not an alcoholic... we all know my problems were of the opiate variety, and I have no issue with booze. In all honesty, I actually am not a big fan of liquor or beer or whatever... got that outta my system years ago, and I really don't like getting or being drunk. It's no fun for me. But because it seemed that she had a drinking problem, 2 addicts together is generally NOT a good idea; especially if one of said addicts was STILL USING! Even if it's not my drug of choice, an addict is an addict -- and people can argue all day about how alcohol is SOOOO different from heroin or crack or meth or whatever, guess what??? It all goes to the same place; and that is your brain. All drugs (yes, booze is a drug), no matter how you may do them... whether you shoot 'em, snort 'em, eat 'em, and yes, DRINK them... they end up effecting the same part of the brain. So, although I like Bonnie... alot... it wouldn't be a good idea for us to go out -- and don't get me wrong, it wasn't just the alcohol, it was actually a few different things, but I came to the conclusion that it just wouldn't be a good idea. So, bye bye Bonnie.

So back to the point of my post -- I'm not an internet-dater kinda girl. I used to think, or question... and I guess I still kinda do... why can't people go out and meet people the old fashioned way??? But this is the information super highway age -- everything people do, is basically done on computers nowadays, isn't it? So why not use your computer to find dates? And I guess it does make a bit of sense -- you no longer are restrained to local bars and clubs and other typical places you would meet someone; for instance, not only night clubs and bars, but bookstores, coffeeshops, the workplace, diners, through actual networking (ie. friends, family, co-workers, etc.) -- which, btw, I've met past girlfriends through many of these places in the past. But now, you can just turn on your computer or even your PHONE and head straight to networking sites like Facebook or Myspace; or go straight to the source, actual dating sites like eHarmony.com or Match.com or True.com (for gays) or Chemistry.com... or places like Yahoo! Personals and the like..... and within a matter of days, weeks or even months; sometimes years I guess... you can find a potential date or even begin long-term relationships -- and SOME people have even found their "soulmate" and ended up marrying these people they've met online. Many of the friends I have, have met their boyfriends or girlfriends or even their husbands or wives online through these sites and chat rooms n such.

So that brings me to the point of this post -- I decided, "Why not??" Why not give it a try and see who's out there and how good (or bad) they are, or could potentially be, for me...? So, I started out on Yahoo! Personals... ended up meeting this girl Molly who was completely obsessed with me, but I had absolutely NO feelings whatsoever for her... she was, to say the least, definitely NOT my type. It took me quite awhile to get rid of her. And because of that experience, it almost turned me off completely to this whole phenomenon. But I persisted. And I found this girl, Michelle, on YP's... and I sent her a message and an ice breaker and for weeks, heard nothing from her. She was pretty much the ONLY person on YPs that I really felt drawn to: we had alot in common, she was very attractive, seemed smart, etc. After about a month or so, I finally received a lil message back from her -- and when I replied, I never heard from her again............ until today. Turns out shortly after she replied to my message, her free trial on Yahoo Personals ran out, so she wasn't able to have any more contact with me..... at least through YPs. Well, I gave up on YPs cuz no one seemed to interest me. I then had a friend recommend a site called Plentyoffish.com -- and I filled out my profile n such, like ya do... and did a search of my own to see a list of potential matches for me. Again, no one stood out. And then earlier today, I go to my email and I had a message waiting in my inbox at PoF.com -- now, mind you, this wasn't the first time I'd received a message from someone on that site... I just didn't feel "connected" or interrested in anyone that messaged me. Well, when I went to check it.... it was her... Michelle. It basically said something to the effect of, "I don't know if you remember me, but we crossed paths on YPs last fall and we weren't able to chat any longer cuz my free trial ran out, so I wasn't able to send you anymore messages or receive anymore messages; but then I found you here on PoF.com and got sooo excited that I had found you again. I hope you remember me, cuz I remember you and I think you're just so adorable and I'm hoping to finally get to REALLY chat with you this time. Hope to hear back from you........" etc. -- from Michelle. Honestly, I have to say... I lit up. I was soooo excited to hear back from her -- was glad to hear that she didn't disappear because she wasn't interrested, but just wasn't able to contact me cuz of her expired free trial. Up until then, I basically was extremely unimpressed and dissatisfied with this online dating crap. But when I realized that it was her, I actually smiled. Plus, it had been awhile since someone said I was "adorable"... hehe. So, I replied to her message and am now waiting to hear back from her. Even though PoF.com is basically a free site, I made sure to put my yahoo handle and email in the message.... just to be on the safe side.

I hate being lonely -- I'm tired of being lonely. No one likes to be lonely... duh. But to actually be excited about finding someone who is potentially a good match for me; someone I look forward to learning more about; look forward to getting another message from; and look forward to chatting with and maybe even meeting one of these days... makes me happy. I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up... I tend to do that sometimes, and end up letting MYSELF down; but I can say with absolute certainty that I've got a bit of a crush on this girl... Michelle. (Oh, and btw, I had JUST learned her name today in this message she sent me).

So, now that I'm done rambling, I'm just glad that I tested the waters of "online dating", and hope that I don't really end up being completely unhappy with ever trying it. I hope I end up being wrong about the entire thing -- for once in my life, I'd be happy to say "I was wrong" and eat my words......... and hopefully end up finding someone, quite possibly Michelle, to be happy with -- and say 'goodbye' to this hole inside of me that goes by the name of "lonely motherfucker"... even if only for awhile.

Constant ramblings in a head such as mine...

Hope is giving up control... hope is knowing we never had control in the first place.

I'm a walking contradiction, at least to myself. I believe in a god... not necessarily THE god, but a god -- I also believe in a goddess; who, to me, is mother nature. The world around us... the grass, the green IN the grass... the trees and the wind... the blue in the sky and the oxygen we breathe. Honestly -- past those couple things, I'm not sure of anything........ well, correction, I'm not even SURE of those things; I just feel its the most logical -- which that, too, is a contradiction... logic has nothing to do with 'feeling'. See what I mean? I'm not sure of anything... not like the Catholics that go to 'mass' on Sundays or the Jews that go to temple, so on so forth. They seem to be awfully sure of themselves; sure of their entire belief structure.

I'm jealous. I want to be sure of something... especially something like that. I want to be able to give people a straight answer, like when asked, 'Religion?' at the emergency room when they fill out your forms. I guess no one is REALLY sure... it's just what they think is... well, just, is. Kinda like fate. When it comes to fate, I'm a semi-believer. I believe that there are certain things that are predestined before we even take our first breath in this world -- but there's a monkey-wrench in my belief. I believe that fate gives us (for example) a Path 'A' and a Path 'B'... and whichever we choose, that becomes our fate and once again, we're given an 'A' and 'B' option, which then becomes our fate again. Sorta like those 'choose your own ending' books. You have a series of endings to choose from; you can't stray from the path and come up with an entirely detached ending that wasn't there to begin with... you must make a choice with one of the given options... A,B,C, or D. Make any sense? Except it's not just your ending... I believe these different choices are given to us throughout our lives -- again, for example, me being a recovering heroin addict... that was my fate. Now, say I'm sitting at a table and to my left is my cellphone (in which contains numbers for people from NA); and to my right, is a syringe full of heroin. I must make a choice between the two: pick up the phone and call someone; talk myself through the craving............... or............... pick up the syringe and take the heroin. And so from then on, my fate has changed to a different path, based on what choice I made then and there; but it was a fate already written into my life... it was already one of my choices. Regardless of which choice I made, those choices came from my fate -- which was chosen before I came onto this earth.

I have no fucking clue if I'm making any sense.

But one thing I do believe in... is hope. Hope for me, is definative. No matter how bad or hard or miserable shit gets, there's hope; hope that things won't always be this miserable or that bad. There's always hope right up until the moment I take my last breath. Hope. Hope and fate, like life and death, to me, are the only FOR SURE things that exist. The only things that truly exist.

The one that has passed and the one who will soon pass; you are and will forever be missed

I got a message from an old friend of mine, Nalonna -- we used to be real close throughout our years in school together; hell, we even dated the same douchbag at the same time with another one of our good friends and ended up "outing" him and all 3 of us approaching him at the same time at one of our softball games back in high school (damn I miss our ole' softball days -- "NOBODY'S FROM NOWHERE" BABY!!!) We may not have won a whole bunch of games, but we had a helluva good time.

But back to the purpose of my post: I also grew up, since Kindergarden, with a boy named Jason Torrey... we were never really close; actually, if I remember correctly, I think I had a slight crush on him at one point or another during middle school (keep in mind, I was only in middle school for 2 years -- 6th and 7th, then I went on to high school in 8th grade, Sumner). Anyhoo, he was kind of a rebel back in the day... mostly lost touch with him after middle school, although, I remember him being one of Eric's best friend... and Eric was one of Ashley's boyfriends in middle school... they dated for quite some time if memory serves me correctly.

Anyhoo -- I was posting on FB about how a dear older friend of mine from my old highrise (Rosedale Towers) in literally on death's door with prostate cancer... he's an older man, obviously, cuz those towers are for disabled people and 95% of the people that live in those highrises are 50+ and if I remember correctly, Mr. Chris (my friend dying from prostate cancer) is only in his 50s. He was such an awesome, sweet man. Me and him used to sit out on the front porch during the spring, summer and fall (basically any time it was above 55 degrees out) and watch the cute female nurses and doctor-to-be's walk by from school at KU to their parked cars which were parked up the street back behind the highrise -- Rosedale Towers is directly across the street from KU Medical Center off of Rainbow and 39th Street. Not only did we sit out, checkin' out the hotties from the med school, he would spend his OWN MONEY each spring to go out and buy seeds to plant and flowers and plants to spruce up the grounds at the towers; and even though all of the grounds keeping and such was maintanence's job, he would do it, cuz he knew he'd do the job 100 times better than Housing's people. He made the grounds look gorgeous... you would look forward to sitting out and enjoying the fresh air and looking out at the plants and flowers he would take care of. I mean, think about it -- like I said, 95% or more of the people that lived at the tower (as it is the same at all of KCK's Housing Authority towers) were older, if not elderly people... and alot of them had no transportation and alot had no family that came to visit or help take care of them -- so AT LEAST half if not more of the people that live at Rosedale are basically homebound; either because they are too disabled to go anywhere or have no way of getting around, so they're essentially STUCK there at the highrise......... but because of Mr. Chris, if they could make their way downstairs to the front patio, they could look out at the grounds and enjoy the pretty flowers and plants n such. It would make people feel better. He's one of the sweetest, most selfless, FUNNY people I've ever known........ and he's about gone.

Mr. Chris, I know you don't have any more time left on this planet, but you will indeed be missed in this world... especially at Rosedale Towers -- it'll never be the same without you. I know that the disease that you suffer from is HORRIBLE AND MISERABLE and you are in extreme amounts of pain... but I hope that your suffering ends soon and that you pass on to the otherside and live an eternity of happiness and love.

You are loved and will be missed.

If tomorrow never comes for me... I hope there's coffee.

So I spent the majority of my evening at Jenikins -- good times, good times. I did a rune reading for her... I dunno if it helped her any, but I know it did something, because I got a really strong feeling from the runes... actually, a more powerful feeling than I usually get -- then again, I tried a different type of reading this time; still learning this particular type of reading, but I think it went well for being the first time I did it on someone other than myself. There are many different types of runes and runic readings; many different places and societies, so on and so forth, practiced in runes -- much like many different societies and people practiced tarot.

But it was a rather good evening, at least for me. We got into alot of different discussions and ideas and thoughts that've been sitting and stewing in our brains for some time. It's been a minute (goddamn I hate that term... I wish it would go away) -- it's been some time since we've gotten a chance to hang out and just talk about what came to our minds. I don't know where I'd be or even who I'd be without Jenikins... in many ways, she's my rock. Me and her have been through quite a fucking bit together -- hell, we've known each other for *counting in my head* ................... um ..................... 11, maybe 12 or so years; we met and became close friends in 8th grade at Sumner. I had come from Eisenhower Middle School, she came from West, I do believe... and we gravitated to one another almost instantly. We've gone through everything imaginable, I do believe, together: boyfriends/girlfriends, break-ups, physical beatings (not towards one another), psychological beatings, love, hate, a baby, marriages (even if mine wasn't technically legal), heartaches, the worst times of our lives, the best times of our lives, big awesome parties, unforgettable road trips, addiction, loss, crying, laughing, laughing for HOURS, funerals, long nights of nothing but FUN, super-stealthy secret missions, coffee talks and secrets, random nights of randomness, RISK, nights of graveyard hopping, playing "Perfect Dark" from dusk til dawn, long nights of nothing but MISERY... I could go on and on. You name it, we've prolly done it together. Not like that! Get your nasty mind outta the gutter! Okay, everything SHORT OF THAT, we've done together... and I hope that all of this continues well into our old age. Her son, Draven, he's my lil man; love him to death... would take a bullet for him. When I show pics of him to people, I'm proud to consider him my nephew -- and I hope ONE DAY, I have a lil boy or lil girl that she can consider her nephew or niece. I hope that's one thing we can share eventually.

Anyhoo -- we essentially spent the 4 or 5 hours I was there, talking... discussing... contimplating. We both agreed that the reason Uriah is no longer with us is because he had "it" all figured out... he knew it all. He knew it all, and whatever purpose the PTBs (Powers That Be) put him on this earth for, he must've fulfilled it... fulfilled his destiny. He is dearly missed, and Jenikins had made a comment that I always thought about but could never put into words like she did: Souls don't just die -- they don't just go away; that one day, when our time is up, our souls will once again reunite. The science of things say that energies don't disappear... this phenomenon is scientifically impossible... and human beings are nothing but ginormous blobs of energy, therefore, cannot just "go away". I like that. It makes me feel better knowing that when my time is up, my soul will once again reunite with other souls that I've crossed with during my time on this planet. I hope that my afterlife is one big late-night diner/coffeehouse... and all my friends will be sitting at the table drinking coffee, playing 'RISK' and sharing cheesy fries and other delicious appetizers. Honestly, I can't wait. No, I don't wanna speed up the process or anything... but I'm hoping that's whats waiting for me on the "other side".

I also got on here wanting to talk about something else, but that "something else" has escaped me... but thats 'kay. I feel like I've fullfilled my blogging cravings. Have a fantabulous night (or what's left of it; it's now 11:39) -- and see ya tomorrow... and if tomorrow happens to not come, grab a booth, save me a seat, and order me a Coke.

'Night.

Who says with certainty, tomorrow's another day??

I'm sitting here watching "BONES" -- superbly, excellent show... that, and Emily Deschanel (the lead character "Bones/Dr. Temperance Brennan" is totally HOTT!); sorry, there goes that lesbian in me rearing its head. And for you "straight" ladies out there, David Boreanez (who played 'Angel' on "Buffy" & "Angel") plays 'Booth the FBI agent' opposite Emily on the show; Heh. Good, good show. For those of u interested in checking it out, it is on TNT every weeknight starting at 6pm (central time) -- they usually play 2-3 episodes, but since its basketball season, some nights they only play 1 episode :( Merr. But yeah... the episodes on TNT are re-runs; you can catch the NEW episodes on Thursday at 7pm (central time) on FOX. I think I like it so much cuz not only is it a "who-dun-it" type show, but its also EXTREMLY AMUSING. 10 out of 10 stars. Si!

Anyhoo -- okay, so I have these, like, daily inspiration type books that I read everyday -- there's a certain subject & passage for everyday of the year; some are better than others... I right now have 3 that I read from, and my fav is the one my Mim got me called, "The Daily Book of Positive Quotations" (by Linda Picone).

There were a couple different passages that really struck me -- one being on February 18th...
Subject: Awakening
Quote: "There is only one time when it is essential to awaken. That time is now." ~BUDDHA
Passage:
Even with our eyes open, we sometimes go through our days as if we're sleepwalking. These are the only days we have; we need to be aware of them. +

I dunno why that really stuck out to me -- I guess cuz I can relate. We, well, at least I do, spend most of my time on auto-pilot, and it makes me wonder exactly HOW much I've missed out on... how many moments that could've been thoroughly enjoyed if it weren't for the fact that I was in a sort of daze. There are times that I spend quite a bit of time with a certain friend or family member... and while it seems I'm "with it" during that time... but how often have I spent my time on "auto-pilot" or in my own head, that I didn't FULLY APPRICIATE the time spent with that certain person. How many times did a friend reach out to me with a subtle cry for help and it went right over my head...? You see where I'm going with this?? I'm sure you do... the possibilities of this thought process is endless. SO -- from this moment on, I will try to spend each minute with myself and others, taking that time to make the most of those moments -- cuz its true; these are the only moments we have... the only days we have. Each and every one of us have absolutely NO IDEA how long we have on this planet... no matter how fucked up things in our lives or others lives are, whether its right in front of us or halfway across the globe, we need to be more aware of how precious life is. Right now, its places like Haiti or Iraq where lives seem to be hanging in the balance... not knowing how long those people have left; or how or where or when those lives will come to an end. Just because things here in our own backyard don't seem to be as serious or short-lived as the situations abroad -- think about it.......... 9/11 happened and not one person woke up that morning expecting or knowing that our own planes were going to fly into our own buildings and kill THOUSANDS of people. Just because we may not SEE the imminent threat, its ALL around us. Nowhere does it say that we are guaranteed a tomorrow; or that the sun will for sure come up in the morning; or that our loved ones will definitely be on the other end of the phone the next time we call.

Take these moments... the little ones... the ones that are here, right in front of us and appriciate the simple fact that this moment, could indeed be our last. Take the extra few minutes to call the ones you love and/or care about and let them know that you DO love and care for them. Hell, take a step further and call up someone that ISN'T so much a friend but more so someone who has pissed you off or done you wrong in some way or another and let them know that while the pain from that wrongdoing may still remain, you forgive them... because that opportunity may go away with the sun that happens to NOT come up tomorrow morning.

I'm done babbling away with my thoughts for now -- they may not make as much sense as I'd like them to, but I hope SOMEONE gets my gist.

Much love, my peeps.
Namaste.

-Annie

Sometimes you have to get out of the saddle for awhile, to appriciate getting back on the horse...

Things have been....... eh, shaky at best. Alot of times I look at myself, and I don't see Annie the person -- the girl with a generally good heart and lots to be thankful for; but the monster... the addict. True, I have been needle and pill free for quite some time; and I swear, a day sober feels like a month... sometimes an entire year. The night that I decided to graduate from pain pills to heroin has to be one of the worst decisions I have EVER made... well, sometimes the 2nd WORSE... the 1st being........ well, we all know what; the way things ended with Stephanie. True, our relationship has been over for years... but cuz I've spent the majority of the time since, higher than a kite; numbing myself with the needle so I don't have to work THROUGH the feelings and emotions, but AROUND them: For those of you who are NOT addicts, being so gives you, like, an easy pass (compare it to one of those stickers you put on your cars so you don't have to stop at a toll road and pay the toll; instead, you can pull to the right lane and just *pssshhh* fly right through). Yeah, you had to pay for that lil sticker to put on the car, but it allows you to pass right on through, not having to stop and wait in line or have to stop and take the time to pay the $2 or whatever to pass through. Well, think of the money for the pass as the $200, $300, $400 you pay almost weekly to get yourself a nice quantity of 'H' -- then think of the needle as the lil sticker you put on your car... then, consider injecting that bullshit into your veins as the easy, fast, "go-right-on-through, don't bother stopping to deal with the toll worker everytime" pass.

So, me personally, I've spent YEARS in that line -- fuck dealing with the b.s. or the emotions or issues... just slam some dope and take that oh-so-easy detour RIGHT AROUND the problem. And since I've spent years doing that... not only have the problems and issues NOT gone away, but now I must deal with them head on. All the emotions and issues and problems that I thought I was getting around all that time, are now right at the front door of my heart and mind. I no longer can take the "easy/fast pass" lane; I gotta head straight through to the eye of the storm, (and we all know that until you've conquered the "eye", the issue at hand, it DOESN'T go away); no matter how long its been sitting and stewing at the back of your mind... which, by the by, until you sober up and your mind is completely "fog free", you didn't even know all that crap was still stored up there.

So now, I'm dealing with EVERY SINGLE emotion that I decided to drive right around and leave in the dust. This is an entirely NEW concept for me. I'm 25 years old... but in my "right" mind; not my "addict" mind... its almost like I'm 17 again. Why?? Cuz 17 is approx. the age I left off at... the age where I decided to "opt-out" of feeling and dealing with everything rough that was thrown my way. The completely FUCKED UP thing about it?? Most of all that shyt I decided to get high and drive around -- shyt that I caused... shyt that I fucked up with. Go me, huh? I'm in my infancy once again... learning how to deal with shit WITHOUT resorting to the needle or a pill. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT FUCKING IS!?!? AFTER USING DOPE TO GET THROUGH THE DAY FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS!?!? F-u-c-k-i-n-g h-a-r-d.

And most people either don't understand, or straight up don't believe me when I tell them that Annie the person, and "Annie" the dope-fiend MONSTER are 2 completely different people. When you have an addiction, an active addiction; its like a completely different person in control of your body -- all rationality and everything that makes you a human being, goes right out the fucking window. There are things that "Annie the person" WOULD NOT DO IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS -- NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PAYED HER!!!..... but, "Annie the addict - Annie the monster" would do in a New York second if she thought it would get her her next hit of dope. Now, mind you, there are things that "Annie the addict" has done that I... well, I could just fucking DIE over -- BUT, there are also lines that neither of us (Annie the person/Annie the monster) have crossed...... but, there are always "yets". Every addict has them. "Oh, well, at least I never [insert action here].............. yet". No addict can say they'd NEVER do this or that -- there's ALWAYS that possibility as long as those drugs are in control of your body. I am proud to say there are things that I didn't do -- but who fucking knows...? If that needle still controlled me... who knows???

And what gets me?? Knowing, that every second... every minute... every hour, week, month... I will forever fight against that monster inside. I will forever fight the addict, just under the surface... the monster that wants so badly to win; to take back over and kill me.

These are my thoughts right now. But I am getting tired, and will continue my story... my thoughts... tomorrow.

And my heart goes out to those at AA and NA; my heart goes out to those struggling in recovery; and my heart goes out to the addict that still suffers. You are not alone... and if you are reading this, help is out there. And don't make the same mistake I did... don't keep it to yourself and let your pride get in the way: DON'T USE. GO TO MEETINGS. ASK FOR HELP.

Love to all. Namaste.

-Annie

One day I'll be secure...

...like the women I see on their 30th anniversaries.

And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends.

My bestest friend in the whole world is happy, truly... which is much overdue... and for that, I am truly happy for her. And if things turn out how they SHOULD turn out, then I shall be at peace... I spend much of my time worried about her -- prolly though for the both of us. But for now, let us leave it at that. She's happy... I'm happy for her; let's let happiness remain to ensue.

As for my situatuion... all I wanna say is that I'm glad that her true colors came to light... and that the 'love high' that I've been looking for didn't have a chance to rear it's head. Everything happened early enough, and fast enough, that it didn't hurt on the short way down. I skinned my knee instead of losing an arm or having what little is left of my heart get ripped from my chest. Yay for that.

...cuz I don't remember what we're fighting for...