Things have been....... eh, shaky at best. Alot of times I look at myself, and I don't see Annie the person -- the girl with a generally good heart and lots to be thankful for; but the monster... the addict. True, I have been needle and pill free for quite some time; and I swear, a day sober feels like a month... sometimes an entire year. The night that I decided to graduate from pain pills to heroin has to be one of the worst decisions I have EVER made... well, sometimes the 2nd WORSE... the 1st being........ well, we all know what; the way things ended with Stephanie. True, our relationship has been over for years... but cuz I've spent the majority of the time since, higher than a kite; numbing myself with the needle so I don't have to work THROUGH the feelings and emotions, but AROUND them: For those of you who are NOT addicts, being so gives you, like, an easy pass (compare it to one of those stickers you put on your cars so you don't have to stop at a toll road and pay the toll; instead, you can pull to the right lane and just *pssshhh* fly right through). Yeah, you had to pay for that lil sticker to put on the car, but it allows you to pass right on through, not having to stop and wait in line or have to stop and take the time to pay the $2 or whatever to pass through. Well, think of the money for the pass as the $200, $300, $400 you pay almost weekly to get yourself a nice quantity of 'H' -- then think of the needle as the lil sticker you put on your car... then, consider injecting that bullshit into your veins as the easy, fast, "go-right-on-through, don't bother stopping to deal with the toll worker everytime" pass.
So, me personally, I've spent YEARS in that line -- fuck dealing with the b.s. or the emotions or issues... just slam some dope and take that oh-so-easy detour RIGHT AROUND the problem. And since I've spent years doing that... not only have the problems and issues NOT gone away, but now I must deal with them head on. All the emotions and issues and problems that I thought I was getting around all that time, are now right at the front door of my heart and mind. I no longer can take the "easy/fast pass" lane; I gotta head straight through to the eye of the storm, (and we all know that until you've conquered the "eye", the issue at hand, it DOESN'T go away); no matter how long its been sitting and stewing at the back of your mind... which, by the by, until you sober up and your mind is completely "fog free", you didn't even know all that crap was still stored up there.
So now, I'm dealing with EVERY SINGLE emotion that I decided to drive right around and leave in the dust. This is an entirely NEW concept for me. I'm 25 years old... but in my "right" mind; not my "addict" mind... its almost like I'm 17 again. Why?? Cuz 17 is approx. the age I left off at... the age where I decided to "opt-out" of feeling and dealing with everything rough that was thrown my way. The completely FUCKED UP thing about it?? Most of all that shyt I decided to get high and drive around -- shyt that I caused... shyt that I fucked up with. Go me, huh? I'm in my infancy once again... learning how to deal with shit WITHOUT resorting to the needle or a pill. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT FUCKING IS!?!? AFTER USING DOPE TO GET THROUGH THE DAY FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS!?!? F-u-c-k-i-n-g h-a-r-d.
And most people either don't understand, or straight up don't believe me when I tell them that Annie the person, and "Annie" the dope-fiend MONSTER are 2 completely different people. When you have an addiction, an active addiction; its like a completely different person in control of your body -- all rationality and everything that makes you a human being, goes right out the fucking window. There are things that "Annie the person" WOULD NOT DO IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS -- NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PAYED HER!!!..... but, "Annie the addict - Annie the monster" would do in a New York second if she thought it would get her her next hit of dope. Now, mind you, there are things that "Annie the addict" has done that I... well, I could just fucking DIE over -- BUT, there are also lines that neither of us (Annie the person/Annie the monster) have crossed...... but, there are always "yets". Every addict has them. "Oh, well, at least I never [insert action here].............. yet". No addict can say they'd NEVER do this or that -- there's ALWAYS that possibility as long as those drugs are in control of your body. I am proud to say there are things that I didn't do -- but who fucking knows...? If that needle still controlled me... who knows???
And what gets me?? Knowing, that every second... every minute... every hour, week, month... I will forever fight against that monster inside. I will forever fight the addict, just under the surface... the monster that wants so badly to win; to take back over and kill me.
These are my thoughts right now. But I am getting tired, and will continue my story... my thoughts... tomorrow.
And my heart goes out to those at AA and NA; my heart goes out to those struggling in recovery; and my heart goes out to the addict that still suffers. You are not alone... and if you are reading this, help is out there. And don't make the same mistake I did... don't keep it to yourself and let your pride get in the way: DON'T USE. GO TO MEETINGS. ASK FOR HELP.
Love to all. Namaste.
-Annie
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