Hope is giving up control... hope is knowing we never had control in the first place.
I'm a walking contradiction, at least to myself. I believe in a god... not necessarily THE god, but a god -- I also believe in a goddess; who, to me, is mother nature. The world around us... the grass, the green IN the grass... the trees and the wind... the blue in the sky and the oxygen we breathe. Honestly -- past those couple things, I'm not sure of anything........ well, correction, I'm not even SURE of those things; I just feel its the most logical -- which that, too, is a contradiction... logic has nothing to do with 'feeling'. See what I mean? I'm not sure of anything... not like the Catholics that go to 'mass' on Sundays or the Jews that go to temple, so on so forth. They seem to be awfully sure of themselves; sure of their entire belief structure.
I'm jealous. I want to be sure of something... especially something like that. I want to be able to give people a straight answer, like when asked, 'Religion?' at the emergency room when they fill out your forms. I guess no one is REALLY sure... it's just what they think is... well, just, is. Kinda like fate. When it comes to fate, I'm a semi-believer. I believe that there are certain things that are predestined before we even take our first breath in this world -- but there's a monkey-wrench in my belief. I believe that fate gives us (for example) a Path 'A' and a Path 'B'... and whichever we choose, that becomes our fate and once again, we're given an 'A' and 'B' option, which then becomes our fate again. Sorta like those 'choose your own ending' books. You have a series of endings to choose from; you can't stray from the path and come up with an entirely detached ending that wasn't there to begin with... you must make a choice with one of the given options... A,B,C, or D. Make any sense? Except it's not just your ending... I believe these different choices are given to us throughout our lives -- again, for example, me being a recovering heroin addict... that was my fate. Now, say I'm sitting at a table and to my left is my cellphone (in which contains numbers for people from NA); and to my right, is a syringe full of heroin. I must make a choice between the two: pick up the phone and call someone; talk myself through the craving............... or............... pick up the syringe and take the heroin. And so from then on, my fate has changed to a different path, based on what choice I made then and there; but it was a fate already written into my life... it was already one of my choices. Regardless of which choice I made, those choices came from my fate -- which was chosen before I came onto this earth.
I have no fucking clue if I'm making any sense.
But one thing I do believe in... is hope. Hope for me, is definative. No matter how bad or hard or miserable shit gets, there's hope; hope that things won't always be this miserable or that bad. There's always hope right up until the moment I take my last breath. Hope. Hope and fate, like life and death, to me, are the only FOR SURE things that exist. The only things that truly exist.
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