So, most of my friends know me -- they know that I don't typically do the "online dating" stuff... I'm not one to get on a dating site or a personals page, so on and so forth; but Annie has been lonely. I hate being lonely. It's been awhile since I've been with someone and actually felt good about the relationship... actually felt like it would "stick". First, there was Kate -- don't get me wrong, Kate's awesome; she's everything a girl could want, and everything that I am not, but she liked me anyway. She was beautiful, sweet, former KCMO cop, lawyer, brilliant, street smart (even though she comes from money and status, etc. etc. etc. in which case, most of those "types" aren't very 'street smart') -- but that's just it......... even though she's essentially the "perfect" girl, she DOES come from money and status n such. One of her daddy's best friends is the govenor of Missouri; one of her mommy's best friends is basically cut from the same cloth. They have money, power, and rub elbows with not only Missouri's, but the country's elite. Sure, we could, and DID, have a good, if not great relationship, but we all know that that life and style is definitely NOT me. It may be good or even great for awhile -- but eventually the 'Dotte in me will win out over trying to be something I'm not. And here's the thing: Kate loved the 'Dotte in me... she loved the person that I am and not the person her parents would prolly prefer me to be, and yeah, her parents (surprisingly) liked me... but I'll never be more than of low to middle class standard... at least in their eyes. Kate, I'm sure, could see past it... if not forever, for awhile. But in my eyes, I don't see why sticking around in that situation would be beneficial in the future. It will eventually, and I'm absolutely certain of this, end; and as odd as this sounds, it would prolly end by me. I know that I cannot be someone I'm not, and I would never DREAM of asking her to be someone she's not. But I digress and am moving on........
Then along came Bonnie: a barista at Starbucks, and a damn good one at that. And she was basically of the same caliber as Kate (minus the money and status) -- but as far as beauty and smarts and sense of humor go... they hit the same mark. BUT, there were actually several things that prevented a successful relationship with her; one of them being she reminded me alot, and I mean ALOT, of Stephanie (you know, ex-wife of Tulsa, OK/met at Stephens College-Steph). Secondly, she showed signs of being an alcoholic -- she LOVED to go to clubs and bars and would tell me war stories of how much of a good time she had with best friend: Gin (of the liquor kind). And cuz she worked at Starbucks and was in school, she didn't exactly have a boatload of money -- so when she went out to the clubs and bars, drinks were "too expensive" so she would sneak in her own 5th of Gin and would sneak off to the bathroom every now and again and take a few good swigs and rejoin her group. I'm a recovering addict, so I have NO ROOM to judge; and I didn't judge... what she does is what she does and I have no say, and I WANT NO SAY in what she drinks or how much, so on and so forth. But that's just it, I AM a recovering drug addict. No, I'm not an alcoholic... we all know my problems were of the opiate variety, and I have no issue with booze. In all honesty, I actually am not a big fan of liquor or beer or whatever... got that outta my system years ago, and I really don't like getting or being drunk. It's no fun for me. But because it seemed that she had a drinking problem, 2 addicts together is generally NOT a good idea; especially if one of said addicts was STILL USING! Even if it's not my drug of choice, an addict is an addict -- and people can argue all day about how alcohol is SOOOO different from heroin or crack or meth or whatever, guess what??? It all goes to the same place; and that is your brain. All drugs (yes, booze is a drug), no matter how you may do them... whether you shoot 'em, snort 'em, eat 'em, and yes, DRINK them... they end up effecting the same part of the brain. So, although I like Bonnie... alot... it wouldn't be a good idea for us to go out -- and don't get me wrong, it wasn't just the alcohol, it was actually a few different things, but I came to the conclusion that it just wouldn't be a good idea. So, bye bye Bonnie.
So back to the point of my post -- I'm not an internet-dater kinda girl. I used to think, or question... and I guess I still kinda do... why can't people go out and meet people the old fashioned way??? But this is the information super highway age -- everything people do, is basically done on computers nowadays, isn't it? So why not use your computer to find dates? And I guess it does make a bit of sense -- you no longer are restrained to local bars and clubs and other typical places you would meet someone; for instance, not only night clubs and bars, but bookstores, coffeeshops, the workplace, diners, through actual networking (ie. friends, family, co-workers, etc.) -- which, btw, I've met past girlfriends through many of these places in the past. But now, you can just turn on your computer or even your PHONE and head straight to networking sites like Facebook or Myspace; or go straight to the source, actual dating sites like eHarmony.com or Match.com or True.com (for gays) or Chemistry.com... or places like Yahoo! Personals and the like..... and within a matter of days, weeks or even months; sometimes years I guess... you can find a potential date or even begin long-term relationships -- and SOME people have even found their "soulmate" and ended up marrying these people they've met online. Many of the friends I have, have met their boyfriends or girlfriends or even their husbands or wives online through these sites and chat rooms n such.
So that brings me to the point of this post -- I decided, "Why not??" Why not give it a try and see who's out there and how good (or bad) they are, or could potentially be, for me...? So, I started out on Yahoo! Personals... ended up meeting this girl Molly who was completely obsessed with me, but I had absolutely NO feelings whatsoever for her... she was, to say the least, definitely NOT my type. It took me quite awhile to get rid of her. And because of that experience, it almost turned me off completely to this whole phenomenon. But I persisted. And I found this girl, Michelle, on YP's... and I sent her a message and an ice breaker and for weeks, heard nothing from her. She was pretty much the ONLY person on YPs that I really felt drawn to: we had alot in common, she was very attractive, seemed smart, etc. After about a month or so, I finally received a lil message back from her -- and when I replied, I never heard from her again............ until today. Turns out shortly after she replied to my message, her free trial on Yahoo Personals ran out, so she wasn't able to have any more contact with me..... at least through YPs. Well, I gave up on YPs cuz no one seemed to interest me. I then had a friend recommend a site called Plentyoffish.com -- and I filled out my profile n such, like ya do... and did a search of my own to see a list of potential matches for me. Again, no one stood out. And then earlier today, I go to my email and I had a message waiting in my inbox at PoF.com -- now, mind you, this wasn't the first time I'd received a message from someone on that site... I just didn't feel "connected" or interrested in anyone that messaged me. Well, when I went to check it.... it was her... Michelle. It basically said something to the effect of, "I don't know if you remember me, but we crossed paths on YPs last fall and we weren't able to chat any longer cuz my free trial ran out, so I wasn't able to send you anymore messages or receive anymore messages; but then I found you here on PoF.com and got sooo excited that I had found you again. I hope you remember me, cuz I remember you and I think you're just so adorable and I'm hoping to finally get to REALLY chat with you this time. Hope to hear back from you........" etc. -- from Michelle. Honestly, I have to say... I lit up. I was soooo excited to hear back from her -- was glad to hear that she didn't disappear because she wasn't interrested, but just wasn't able to contact me cuz of her expired free trial. Up until then, I basically was extremely unimpressed and dissatisfied with this online dating crap. But when I realized that it was her, I actually smiled. Plus, it had been awhile since someone said I was "adorable"... hehe. So, I replied to her message and am now waiting to hear back from her. Even though PoF.com is basically a free site, I made sure to put my yahoo handle and email in the message.... just to be on the safe side.
I hate being lonely -- I'm tired of being lonely. No one likes to be lonely... duh. But to actually be excited about finding someone who is potentially a good match for me; someone I look forward to learning more about; look forward to getting another message from; and look forward to chatting with and maybe even meeting one of these days... makes me happy. I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up... I tend to do that sometimes, and end up letting MYSELF down; but I can say with absolute certainty that I've got a bit of a crush on this girl... Michelle. (Oh, and btw, I had JUST learned her name today in this message she sent me).
So, now that I'm done rambling, I'm just glad that I tested the waters of "online dating", and hope that I don't really end up being completely unhappy with ever trying it. I hope I end up being wrong about the entire thing -- for once in my life, I'd be happy to say "I was wrong" and eat my words......... and hopefully end up finding someone, quite possibly Michelle, to be happy with -- and say 'goodbye' to this hole inside of me that goes by the name of "lonely motherfucker"... even if only for awhile.
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