Everyone fucks up every now and then, right? Then why is it, that some people can make mistakes and expect forgiveness and understanding, while others don't receive the same opportunity?? Yeah, I've fucked up. Maybe more, maybe less than others... doesn't fucking matter. It's pointless. The point being, is that when you hit rock bottom (regardless of whether you did it to yourself or not) it often feels like there's not a single soul around to help you out of it.
I felt like I did the right thing. And quite frankly, I'm pissed off myself. As of late (I dunno, the past couple years or so), it feels as if liars, cheaters, and theives, their words are taken more seriously and taken to heart moreso than mine. Yes, I just got done saying it... I HAVE MADE MISTAKES. EVERYONE HAS AND DOES. To say that I don't keep my word... I do my damnest to keep my word -- as much as I'd like to always do as I say... I cannot. No one can. How many times have others given me THEIR "word", only to turn around and change it up... usually cuz of a guy.
NO ONE IS PERFECT.
I'm not minimizing anything... I'm not trying to throw a pity party -- but I am trying to get a few people to see shyt from MY point of view once in awhile... They wanna tell me "Put yourself in my shoes", "Listen to what I'M trying to say", etc., etc., etc. When is it MY turn? When are some of these people gonna try to see things from MY perspective. Yeah, I got it. Some people got a raw fucking deal... some brought it on themselves... and some just happened to have shitty luck.
There have been a couple people who are pulling this right now. I'M ONLY FUCKING HUMAN, GODDAMMIT!
In the past... I dunno... let's say for shits and giggles, for the past, I dunno, 6 months... anytime and EVERYTIME these people have asked me to be there for them... I was there. I sat with them, cried with them, talked with them, listened to them... been there when NO ONE else was. But apparently that doesn't mean a thing.
I caught someone in a lie, and then preceeded to inform the other party about said lie... and it somehow got turned around on me, saying I was manipulative and sneaky and a liar. And here's what REALLY gets me: if this would've happened and I DIDN'T say anything, I would've been labeled a horrible friend for NOT telling her. I'm not a saint. Never claimed to be.
And here's another thing that gets to me: When I was in rehab... fighting for my life (YES, FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE), the only 2 people I saw were my mom and my dad. Not ONE person called or came to visit. I understand that I treated some people not so great -- in order to get healthy... to STAY clean, it takes a little something called "moral support". I've tried as hard as I could to make amends... to get on the right path to fixing relationships... and even though I may not have deserved a whole lot -- if my best friends were in that position, I would want to be there to help them stay better. Only the sick can help themselves GET better... but it requires friends and family and love and understanding to help them STAY better.
And yes, I have friends who have mental disorders, friends with addictions, friends who make shitty choices.......... but they're my friends, therefore I try to put aside whatever beef we had, and help them; why? Cuz I care about them. Sure, forgiveness and understanding can take awhile. But I digress...
I just don't understand how I don't "keep my word". Shit happens. There are times I've made plans to do this or that with friends or family, and guess what? Things come up. I do everything in my power to do what I say I'm gonna do -- I guess I'm just sick and tired of always being the bad guy. I was the bad guy when I told him NOT to move in with psycho bitch cuz she was a cheater and a liar and would break your heart and empty your bank account. I was the bad guy when I told her I thought it was a bad idea to marry him cuz he'd cheated before and would again; then the bad guy when I told her about what he was saying behind her back, just trying to WATCH OUT for her... and turned out being the bad guy and labeled "devious", "mistrusting", and having alterior motives.
If your best friends or family were making decisions that you thought were headed for disaster... wouldn't you speak up?? Understandably, sometimes they just have to learn on their own........ I've learned all of that on my own, but ya know... I had a friend step in and say "this is a bad idea"; cuz she was watching out for me. But when I do it... I'm meddling and getting into things that aren't my business. I see a cycle that's getting ready to repeat itself... and I gotta keep my goddamn mouth shut or I lose my friend.
So what now??? They can speak their mind and tell you what a mistake you're making; and saying how you're gonna regret this or that -- but the minute they step into the same pile of shit, you're supposed to keep your mouth shut?? How the fuck can I do that? Who wants to see their best friend hurt??? I sure as hell don't....... but it seems as though I don't have that best friend anymore. Any of 'em. And I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when it's gift wrapped in something else... when all parties involved know that it was because something was said that they didn't wanna hear.
Sure, I'm not always the most reliable. I DO have things in my life to take care of from time to time... and it's not always my fault that I can't make it to whatever it was that was planned. Contrary to how much I'd love it... I DO NOT control the world or the goings-on in it.
So what do I do now??? I don't really see how I should apologize to these few people when I did what I thought was best -- when I did what THEY'VE done in the past when it came to me. So it's okay for them to speak their mind and their feelings, but I gotta keep my untrustworthy, asshole of a mouth shut??
Fine. Done. I had to rant, though. But guess what? My blog. I'm sorry that some of you feel the way you feel... and I'll shut my fucking mouth from now on -- but when shit goes downhill, I'm sure you all will remember my phone number. AND I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU... ALL OF YOU. CUZ I DON'T GIVE UP ON MY FRIENDS. (Don't take that all defensive and personal-like... I'm just being honest).
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